Face the music

So, I’ve gained 12 lbs since I’ve been working out again. Some very kind individuals tell me tht it’s muscle, but it’s not. It’s from poor eating habits. I could make many excuses, but it’s from me not taking care of myself.

For three months after my surgery, I didn’t exercse one bit. I did the physical therapy, if that counts, so I was moving. But, it wasn’t the high intensity cardio that I like so much. And have been doing 5 times a week. I went back to the gym hoping to maintain. You see, I’ve trained for the 10 milers and 10Ks. 100% of the time, I gain weight while I’m traning. This isn’t because of a lack of exercise. Poor nutritional habits.

I do have a sweet tooth that accounts for some of my bad habits. But, the worst part of it all, is that I’m not eating enough. I am so used to restricting my diet that I can’t seem to find the right balance between exercise and food. I am also nervous that the side effects of my meds are catching up with me. All of them warn about weight gain.

So, my solution is to journal what I eat. I hate doing that. It’s a form of torture. May be the thought of journaling will be enough to do what I need to do. I also need to add more weight training and less cardio, or less intensive.

OK. A plan works for me. And the public confession. This way, you all can hold me accountable.

Hairline fractures, dislocated kneecap and groin pull…oh my

4 months into physical therapy. My second round. I have a third round coming to work on my back.

Every time I go to therapy, I have a new pain. This is likely due to my time spent with the Zumba mafia, but I feel closer to Humpty Dumpty. After finally getting my ankle back into alignment after 10 months, my ankle bone continues to hurt. Last week, the physical therapist assistant decided that this must be due to my kneecap. I was supposed to get surgery some time ago for my slippery kneecap, but opted out. She taped up the kneecap and sent me on my way.

A few falls and a few visits to the gym later, I also have nasty groin pull to go with that. It doesn’t stop me from my exercise, but probably should. Today, at the physical therapists, I showed her m pain and she decided that I must have also had a hairline fracture on my ankle when I broke m foot several months ago. She taped it up and said that this is what is throwing off my knee and groin pull. All compensatory.

So, I am beginning to feel like I was better off before I went to see them. I don’t know if it’s better or worse to know all of the complications. They don’t have enough tape for all of may aches and pains. How far up would they have to go?

In the meantime, got to rest up. I have a Zumbathon this weekend.

Faking it

I feel great. After 3 cups of coffee and a tramadol. I’m ready to exercise. I know that I will feel my endorphin high later. I also know that I’ll pay for it later.

So, the question of the day is this, is it better to fake it and take some pills to have some extra energy to exercise, or should I not take the pills and maintain my low level of energy? I don’t know. Yesterday, I had a great day. I also took a tramadol and higher doses of Lyrica. Oh, also a two hour nap. I woke up very tired and groggy today. Nothing that another tramadol can’t take care of. But, this is how the addiction starts and is exactly what I didn’t want. Medication to get through the day. But, all of my days lately are just me faking it. Faking the smile, faking the confidence and faking the happiness. It’s like I’ve left the party in someone else’s coat. Everything feels all wrong combined with that big after celebration let down. And now I’m left with what comes next. Feeling uncomfortable, awkward and unfamiliar with my own self.

Next, I get to go play the part of someone in shape, who loves to exercise, only I can’t really do what I used to. May be no one will notice what goes on behind the smile.

First day back at the gym

So, I survived my first day back at the gym, Zumba. It was nice to see the girls, but something sad about my limitations. I didn’t know the routines and felt frustrated by what I couldn’t do. I realized that it wasn’t apparent to everyone else that I was struggling. That was almost worse. It is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I don’t want people to know that I have a disorder, on the other hand, it’s hard to be judged when people don’t know your limitations. I kept telling myself that it’s in my head. People don’t come to the gym to judge me. I’m having a hard time letting go of running, but I guess that is for another day. For today, I need to celebrate surviving my first day back at the gym.