Posts tagged ‘recovery’

September 17, 2011

A big day

by Living with RSD: what comes next?

It is very big day for me. A big step towards acceptance of my RSD.

If you have read any of this blog, you know that I pride myself on my shoes. I love them. I do pick my outfits according to the shoes. And, I will check out everyone’s shoes in the room. First thing that I do. I don’t think about the ones that aren’t my style, but I sure do zoom in on the ones that I love. There are also certain people that I seek out just to check out their shoes. For me, not just an obsession, but my identity.

I have worn the same pair of tennis shoes for the last 4 months. My last fall was about 3 weeks ago. I used to fall several times a day. This is a huge advance for me. I have been terrified to wear real shoes. Plus, the brand of shoes that I am allowed to wear is really not my style. They are clunky. Not the sleek shoes that I am used to. Not the beautiful heels, but a chunky, clunky heel that is rubber and not imported leather. I fought buying these shoes. I didn’t want them. But, I tried them on. I am not going to lie. I thought that they were ugly. I still think that the are ugly. But, they did feel great. Almost like wearing two bricks on my feet. Very stable.

So, I was a big girl and bought the ugly, practical shoes. Now, I have two pairs that I can wear to work. I don’t love the shoes, but I am proud of myself. I did the right thing. I still need to buy more shoes, but this was a big first step. Next step, black boots. Michael Kors has some beautiful ones. I just hope that they are stable enough for me…

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September 14, 2011


by Living with RSD: what comes next?

When you have a chronic disorder, disappointment is something that you’ve come to live with. Disappointment that you can’t hold your child’s hand, go on long runs or wear your favorite shoes. Again, not to be such a Debbie Downer, you hold onto disappointment as the familiar. It’s almost that when something does go your way, when the pain has faded, you can’t enjoy it because you are waiting for the tides to turn.

Disappointment has become a standard of living for me, almost like eating or brushing my teeth. I don’t particularly enjoy it, but it’s just something that I need to go through. I didn’t realize this until later this afternoon. Once again I found myself disappointed. But, I’ve come to expect it. Disappointment can become a nasty habit or a dirty secret. To top it off, I’m disappointed in myself for being disappointed. A circle of frustration.

So, how to turn the negative into the positive? How can I not turn this into low expectations? I know the problems, not the solutions. This minute, I’m trying some deep breathing. Living moment to moment. By focusing on that, I can’t get disappointed over the bigger picture.

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July 19, 2011

Hairline fractures, dislocated kneecap and groin pull…oh my

by Living with RSD: what comes next?

4 months into physical therapy. My second round. I have a third round coming to work on my back.

Every time I go to therapy, I have a new pain. This is likely due to my time spent with the Zumba mafia, but I feel closer to Humpty Dumpty. After finally getting my ankle back into alignment after 10 months, my ankle bone continues to hurt. Last week, the physical therapist assistant decided that this must be due to my kneecap. I was supposed to get surgery some time ago for my slippery kneecap, but opted out. She taped up the kneecap and sent me on my way.

A few falls and a few visits to the gym later, I also have nasty groin pull to go with that. It doesn’t stop me from my exercise, but probably should. Today, at the physical therapists, I showed her m pain and she decided that I must have also had a hairline fracture on my ankle when I broke m foot several months ago. She taped it up and said that this is what is throwing off my knee and groin pull. All compensatory.

So, I am beginning to feel like I was better off before I went to see them. I don’t know if it’s better or worse to know all of the complications. They don’t have enough tape for all of may aches and pains. How far up would they have to go?

In the meantime, got to rest up. I have a Zumbathon this weekend.

July 17, 2011

90 days later….and now what?

by Living with RSD: what comes next?

About 90 days ago, I received a challenge to set a goal and work towards it. So where am I now?

I had set out to heal my soul and to focus on the recovery of the parts of me that doctors can’t heal. To find my passion and to figure out the rest of my recovery from surgery….to heal my soul.

Now, I knew that 90 days wouldn’t do it, but I thought that I could get a great start. When I began that journey, I anticipated being done with physical therapy. I wanted to explore other options for recovery. But, my body wasn’t ready for that. More physical therapy, more doctors. I thought that I could start the concept of a body budget. Focus on letting the positive energy flow through me and to get rid of the toxins that hold me back. Sounded like a great plan.

Some time into it, I realized this. The positive energy doesn’t come from exercise, sleep or even eating the right foods. Again, it flows through the soul.

My heart needed to heal. It still needs to heal. I’ve taken great strides forwards to eliminating the toxic energies that were pushing me down, but I still have some work to do.

Now, I sit at the end of my second round of physical therapy. My ankle seems to be holding steady in place and I haven’t fallen into any random strangers lately with the exception of a few close calls today. Much of my control of my body has changed. I can’t do what I used to. I am not okay with that yet, but I am closer to fine.

I realized too that I am both the master of my soul and the very one that puts it in a prison. I have allowed myself to stand in the way of my own happiness. I am making better choices to focus on positive energy everyday, but it’s hard.

I’ve also tried clipping coupons to control my budget. To date, I’ve only saved a out $20 not too great. But, I did score some great samples of post it’s, free paint, a free Bluetooth and some yummy coffee. Can’t be too sad about that.

I don’t know how you measure success. For me, it’s going to be wearing those beautiful Calvin Klein heels and getting to wear some great fall boots. I did score one pair of shoes in all of this. My Brooks running shoes with a stability sole built into it. I suppose that I needed new soles to heal my soul. My 90 day challenge has really turned out to be how to wear the same tennis shoes.

July 5, 2011

Look Ma…no hands

by Living with RSD: what comes next?

For the Fourth of July, a number of our neighbors set off fireworks. We are at the highest point between the mountains and the sea. My house and the house across the streets are the. To highest homes on the block. This makes for great firework watching. All over the long weekend, fireworks were set off to honor independence and freedom. Naturally, it got me to thinking about my deepest wish to be free from pain. I used to want it for one day. At this point, I’d settle for a few hours.

So, my lovely and wonderful neighbors across the street, the other highest point, asked us to come over to watch the fireworks….from their roof. Some people might think, okay, not too bad. But, you go up, crawl out the window, climb up the shingles, to the flat 20×20 highest point, down the back side and voila. I haven’t been so terrified in awhile. Now, I could hear my therapists saying both “Don’t baby it” and “Don’t fall. You’re not steady on your feet”. Somewhere between the babying it and the steadiness, I made it. And the view was perfect. Not so much the fireworks all around, but just claiming a little bit more of my independence everyday.

July 2, 2011

Riding the waves

by Living with RSD: what comes next?

Lately, I’ve had some bad times with some RSD issues. The flare ups have been difficult to manage. Day to day, I’m not too sure what to expect. The other morning, feeling blue again, I found myself thinking that I just need to ride the waves.

Now, when I thought about riding the waves, I had a negative feeling of a person standing alone on the beach with the waves crashing down on them. My summertime version of being overwhelmed. But, may be I need to revisit that snapshot. Why can’t I be the surfer in the ocean waiting to catch the perfect wave. This got me to thinking….what do I really know about riding the waves? I could be that person on the beach, but I’d really rather be the one on the surfboard. So, I googled surfing. Naturally, Wikipedia had the best information. Here’s what I discovered. The waves that surfers want to come are created by the swell of the on the open water called the fetch. The combination of the two will create the perfect waves. It’s up to the surfer to figure out how to ride it. Surfers can ride waves in different ways. We’ve all seen the surfer inside the curl, you can go on top of the wave, or weave in and out. Apparently, according to Wikipedia, the key to good surfing is good balance and core strength. So, what does this all have to do with RSD and my recovery? Good question.

Now, there is the literal parallel. Right now, I’m sitting outside of my physical therapists office, where I am working on core strength and balance. But, I want to go outside of that. Surfers know that the waves will come with varying strengths and intensities. They spend years looking for that perfect wave. May be it will never come and may be it will. It doesn’t matter. I suspect that all surfers will say that the journey of the search makes it worthwhile, not the actual wave. So, may e when I think of myself riding the waves, I don’t have to be the scared person on the shore waiting for the waves to crash into me. I’d really rather be the surfer who looks forward to the waves. And weaves in and out of them because that looks really cool. Cowabunga!

BTW…totally blew the budget @ Disney. Good news is that I didn’t break the bank, but made things pretty tight for the next two weeks.