Posts tagged ‘Rehab’

September 8, 2011

Debbie Downer and Holly Golightly

by Living with RSD: what comes next?

I’ve been remiss in posting on my blog lately. I wish that I could say that I was on a fabulous holiday relaxing on the beach somewhere. But, no. I have been doing the same old routine. I’ve just felt like such a Debbie Downer lately that I didn’t want to subject anyone to my mood, even in my blogging world. My first instinct has always been to hide these moods from other people. I tend to be an upbeat person at heart, but I can’t seem to pull it together. I can’t say that this is the best approach to the world. It tends to keep people at a distance since there is a side to me that no one really knows. But may be it’s time to open up that side a little bit. I just hate to pull people down.

So, here I am, stuck in rut. Holly Golightly talked about getting the mean reds in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. The mean reds are worse than the blues. The blues, you see, are just when you are down a little bit. But, the mean reds is when you’re sad and you don’t know what you’re sad about. To cheer herself up, Holly visits Tiffany’s, a place where nothing bad could happen. Here I am in the mean reds and I don’t have that place to visit. I’ve tried to refocus my energy and regain my Chi. I held onto it for awhile. That positive place in my world where anything can happen, but I’ve even lost my Chi. Now, I’m not only Chi-less, but I’m Tiffany-less. No where to hide from those mean reds.

This leaves me with nothing left, but to acknowledge that I am in a negative space. Not end of the world negative, not even unhappy negative, but definitely not a happy space. I don’t like it, which is another not or negative to add to my growing list of negativity.

For today, I thought that I’d try to reroute that negative to a positive. May be, just for today, or just for an hour today, I’ll take the time to recenter myself and think about not not being happy. That’s a tall order for me. Or may be I’ll just go to Tiffany’s instead. Sort of a What Would Holly Do approach to the world.

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September 2, 2011

Shaking the globe

by Living with RSD: what comes next?

As a child, I loved watching snow globes. There was something very peaceful in them to me. I always spent my time focusing on the scenery inside. My favorite globe was from NYC. The Empire State Building and Statue of Liberty along with the streets of the city. It even had tiny people on the inside, shopping. I would marvel at the size of the not to scale, or even geographically incorrect, city was. I loved it. Then, I would shake as hard as I could to watch the fake snow crystals fall to the ground. I would look to see if the people somehow magically moved. Or if the Statue of Liberty put down that heavy torch. But, it always remained the same. Constant and unwavering.
For today, this is my inspiration. As my world gets shaken, I get to decide to remain constant and unwavering. Somehow, I find this image very comforting. So, sitting here in the parking lot for my PT appointment, I’m going to dedicate this day to be my snow day, even if it is only September.

It also makes me want to go to NYC again. I broke my globe and need a new one!

August 5, 2011

A landslide

by Living with RSD: what comes next?

I’m a very musical person. There is something very calming and soothing to me. It can bring me to a place of clarity that I can’t reach with people or words.

One of my favorite songs is Landslide by Stevie Nicks. I’ve been obsessing on it recently. As a matter of fact, I’m listening to it right now as I write. For those of you who don’t know, it’s about changing and growing. As I child, I felt like it represented growing up. Then, as a young adult, it made me think of letting go of your youth and becoming an independent adult. Now, it gets me to thinking about the changes that are going on in my life. I’ve always been one to embrace change. Embrace might not be the right word. I cannon ball through changes. I thrive in change. This is likely the first change in my life that I haven’t embraced. Change is a necessary evil. You must change in order to evolve. Living with RSD has forced me to change in a direction that I’ve been fighting. I’ve been so uncomfortable for the past few months because I realize that change isn’t something that I enjoy right now. I don’t know that I’ll get to enjoying this change, but I think that I can learn to embrace it a bit more. Like the song says, “I’ve been afraid of changing..”

May be it’s time to jump in. If I can’t cannon ball, may be I can dip my toes in and get my feet wet.

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July 31, 2011

The upside to things

by Living with RSD: what comes next?

I saw my physiatrist on Friday. The good news is that I’m almost officially no longer a fall risk. Still stuck in the tennis shoes, but they are working. The sort of bad news is that I have two more months of therapy. The upside to that is that they are finally going to work on my back and getting me more comfortable. I can live with that.

My kids were really upset when our cat of nearly 15 years passed away. His body finally had enough with a tumor that was infecting his blood stream. He stunk. The upside to that is that my daughter was finally able to get her bunny. She’s adorable and the dogs have really taken to her. I can also live with that.

Regrets are a funny thing. We offer them when we are unable to attend a party. But we also despair over them when we are unable to change the events of the past. The same word can be used to describe two distinct things with such different levity.

I have many things in my life that I wish that I could change, but I’m not sure that I have any regrets. I live with the full knowledge that life unfolds as it should. That thought offers a lot of comfort to me when I can only see the downside to things.