Posts tagged ‘Goals’

September 8, 2011

Debbie Downer and Holly Golightly

by Living with RSD: what comes next?

I’ve been remiss in posting on my blog lately. I wish that I could say that I was on a fabulous holiday relaxing on the beach somewhere. But, no. I have been doing the same old routine. I’ve just felt like such a Debbie Downer lately that I didn’t want to subject anyone to my mood, even in my blogging world. My first instinct has always been to hide these moods from other people. I tend to be an upbeat person at heart, but I can’t seem to pull it together. I can’t say that this is the best approach to the world. It tends to keep people at a distance since there is a side to me that no one really knows. But may be it’s time to open up that side a little bit. I just hate to pull people down.

So, here I am, stuck in rut. Holly Golightly talked about getting the mean reds in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. The mean reds are worse than the blues. The blues, you see, are just when you are down a little bit. But, the mean reds is when you’re sad and you don’t know what you’re sad about. To cheer herself up, Holly visits Tiffany’s, a place where nothing bad could happen. Here I am in the mean reds and I don’t have that place to visit. I’ve tried to refocus my energy and regain my Chi. I held onto it for awhile. That positive place in my world where anything can happen, but I’ve even lost my Chi. Now, I’m not only Chi-less, but I’m Tiffany-less. No where to hide from those mean reds.

This leaves me with nothing left, but to acknowledge that I am in a negative space. Not end of the world negative, not even unhappy negative, but definitely not a happy space. I don’t like it, which is another not or negative to add to my growing list of negativity.

For today, I thought that I’d try to reroute that negative to a positive. May be, just for today, or just for an hour today, I’ll take the time to recenter myself and think about not not being happy. That’s a tall order for me. Or may be I’ll just go to Tiffany’s instead. Sort of a What Would Holly Do approach to the world.

May 28, 2011

Don’t pity me

by Living with RSD: what comes next?

Please don’t pity me. I went to the doctor’s yesterday. The appointment didn’t go as well as I would have liked. I thought that I could be done with doctors for some time. No such luck. I need a CT scan for my foot, a trip to the physiatrist and even more rehab. My back is in spasm, my CRPS is still not being managed well and my ankle and foot that was broken 9 months ago is not healing. I’m not happy with any of these things, but please don’t look at me with pity. In addition to the doctor, I saw my device rep for reprogramming. Gone are days of quick appointments. I was in the doctors for 90 minutes, but please don’t pity me. I watched the man who programmed me. He was very kind and helpful, but he looked at me with pity. He saw me as an individual with RSD. Not an individual. I fight to remember who I am through all of this. I want to be a role model for my kids. I want them to see me and forget that I’m not normal. I don’t want them to know all of the things that I can’t do. My life is hard enough. So, please don’t pity me. I can’t get dressed up because it hurts. I’ve had to cut my hair, put all of my cute shoes in the closet, give up running, buy a new car. I can’t cook a nice meal. But, please don’t pity me.
And here’s why. I know that I have RSD. I fight it every second of every day. I don’t need to see it in your face. I struggle with my loss. I know that it’s not fair. I know that my prognosis is not good, but I don’t need to see that in your face. Don’t pity me. If you pity me, I realize that it’s a lost cause. When you pity me, I don’t feel like myself. I feel like I am just an individual with RSD. But, I am so much more. So…please don’t look at me with pity. Look at me as someone on my team. Look at me like you’re going to make things better, even if you can’t. Look at me like there is something worth fighting for and that I’m not at the end of my rope, the end of my treatment. Look at me with compassion not with pity.

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