Is RSD the cure for optimism?

by Living with RSD: what comes next?

I’ve always been a closet optimist. My mother has always been the chronic optimist. I never wanted to be like that. I wanted to be a realist…dealing with life’s bumps and turns as they come. Secretly, I would actually blindly and naively believe that things will work out for the best. Pollyanna on the inside trying to pretend that I was Judge Judy.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a little bit down, overwhelmed and flat out wrong. I think that I have finally cured by optimist streak. I can’t say that I believe things will work out any more. I don’t believe in the happy ending, or the bright side. I am glad that my kids don’t have RSD, but I can’t guarantee that they won’t get it. I find myself changing and growing in directions that I never saw coming. I’m tired and I just can’t sleep long enough.

When the RSD made my hands cold, I bought gloves. I have socks and leg warmers to help with my cold feet. In a way, it feels like it’s made soul cold, but I have nothing to warm it. I’ve been trying to connect to my spiritual side, but it’s not always easy. I am finding an envious person looking in the mirror where there didn’t use to be. I have never envied money or things and that hasn’t changed. But I do envy health and the ease of life for others.

I suppose that the grass might be greener. May be my optimism hasn’t been cured after all.

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